We’re sitting in a hot pot in the Westfjords of Iceland. Four generations of an Icelandic family are present. Son and grandson fysically. Father and grandfather imaginary, but very present in the stories. Son: ‘I want to show my kids where we come from. When I was young, the conversations were often about the fishermen in the community that did come back and those who didn’t come back’.
A couple of hours earlier we saw a film about the life of fishermen a few decades ago. Rowing out, finding the fish, fishing with so called long lines, harvesting the fish, sailing back, cleaning the fish and salting until late at night. Only then it was time to eat. And rest. Until an early look at the weather the next morning told what that day would look like. All in winter with the landscape covered in snow. Praying before they took off again in their boat, being aware ánd acknowledging this could be their last day.
They serve the whole, not the individual. They set apart their individual needs for the benefits of the whole. Even if it would cost them their life.
This makes me think about myself. I was brought up with the metaphor: ‘after a day of work you first take care of the horses, clean their stable, feed them, take care of the other animals and the building, before you go inside to eat and rest’. First serving the whole, before serving the individual.
And with serving I don’t mean like being a slave. You also can say: ‘taking care for’ or ‘feeling responsible for’. The word serving though, refers to the compulsive part. This is not a habit, but a deep rooted pattern. First the whole, then myself. And patterns can have a compulsive effect, at least as long as you are not aware of them.
After this meeting with the Icelandic generations, slowly my own patterns become visible. They are in the smallest details. I hate when others have to wait for me, because ‘the whole must be able to move on’. After having ruined tires on a 200 km gravel road, I feel more responsible for the condition of the car then for myself. The car being an important part of the whole. Not for my own pleasure.
In the toilet on the campsite I just cleaned the toilet bowl where my predecessor hasn’t. At the same time a slight judgement to this predecessor is forming.
I notice I have a tendency to sacrifice my own freedom for the sake of the whole.
Being there to serve your own wellbeing and functioning, or serving the wellbeing or functioning of the whole is not a matter of good or bad. From a systemic point of view good and bad don’t exist. Maybe you or others have moral judgements about which system comes first, but from a systemic perspective there is no ranking.
Slowly, with many examples from hour to hour, day to day practice, it becomes clear to me how my pattern works out. In which behavior and tendencies it is expressing itself. What it gives me and what it cost me.
With hindsight a Russian osteopath in Tallin told me already clearly: ‘When you go paragliding again, don’t let others in your bubble’. In fact, serving the whole has, on occasions, been life-threatening for me, just like for the Icelandic fisherman. On the surface I labeled ‘serving the whole’ as ‘group pressure’. I don’t want to be a party pooper. But it goes deeper.
On the very roughy cycle trip we made the other day, I fell twice. On the surface I labeled them as technical mistakes, not estimating well the depth of the potholes or the instability of the gravel. But looking deeper, both were the results of ‘serving the whole’. Losing my concentration because I was keeping an eye on the wellbeing of the whole.
So this is how my pattern is. How is yours? And what are the costs and benefits? I would be curious to hear. Especially from those who live the opposite pattern as I do. In order to understand each other better. And maybe use our differences instead of being ‘victim’ of the differences.
By the way, becoming aware of this pattern I also created an entity to balance a bit more my tendencies. This entity you might call my own bubble, but it’s more my own whole. It’s a transparent, flexible, for others invisible membrane around me, a couple of meters wide. It balances the whole with my personal whole. Sometimes it means, that when the whole needs something, for example a decision on what we will do next, I can ‘sit on my hands’ and to my surprise others start to serve the whole and fill the void I’m creating.
Writing this blog meant the whole had to wait for me a little. Not easy, but doable. The membrane of my personal whole kept information outside that could distract me. I was aware of that information coming from the outside, meaning that I did not close my system, but didn’t follow the call from the outside world.
What is yoúr way, to deal with the fact that other people are different in this pattern then you are? Do you have any tips or strategies for others? You can share your thought(s) in the comments of this article on LinkedIn.
~ Jan Jacob
Reykhólar, Iceland
August 3, 2025
